If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Randomize
