I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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