I want to walk on stilts...naked
they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
