i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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