Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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