just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
