he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
