If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
try to milk me bitch
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