i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
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