I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Randomize
