Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
