I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Randomize