This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Randomize
