ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
