really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize