I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
Randomize
