i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
