You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
