It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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