Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
Randomize
