i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
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