2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Randomize
