I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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