I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
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