When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Randomize
