Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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