I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
