the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
