Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
