Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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