I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Randomize
