Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Randomize
