Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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