i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I'm both gender and math confused
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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