Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
