apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
Randomize
