a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Randomize
