i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
