Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
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