Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
im about as happy as oj after his trial
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
