We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
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