arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
