There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
