The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
