when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
So much rum. So many feels.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
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