Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
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