You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Randomize
