When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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