I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
