Is it normal to miss your booty call?
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Randomize
