Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize