Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Randomize
