I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
She announced her abortion via fbk
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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