fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
