im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
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