I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
