His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
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