just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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