No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
